At Least I'm Selfish

On second thought, at least I'm in the present NOW and won't have to deal with the shit my descendants do. Oh my gosh, guys, I'm sorry things are so messed up on this planet and in this nation. Just remember the great things America has brought into the world: The Lost Generation, Bob Dylan, and The X-Files and Afterschool Specials. Hold onto that. HOLD. ON. TO. THAT.

An open letter to my descendants:

I don't know what the world will be like when you are living, but I am guessing that if I were around I would hate it. Here are some words I want you to live by:

1. Enjoy sleeping- Get a good night's rest so you'll be ready for the Nuclear Holocaust.

2. Try To Develop Cultural Identity- Look in the mirror, my probably brown by now descendents. I know you're Mexican, but if you're pale like I am (or was) , pick a random European culture to pretend you are. Base everything off your color.

3. Read The Great Gatsby- Just because it's so great.

4. Always Carry Toothpaste- Toothpaste is not only helpful for your smile, but for your skin since the baking soda will shrink your zits.

5. Never Trust Government- Even if the future holds a great idealistic, happy government with seemingly NO problems, don't trust them because sooner or later something shitty will happen and it'll all just go back to the beginning.

6. Listen To Great Music- I know you are probably heartless zombies by now, but please listen to some good music for your great great great great great great grandma, k, children? It'll melt your heart and make your robotic soul cry.

7. Be Patient- If you're like me, and are mostly fiery Irish and have a bitchy streak, learn some patience, laddie/lassie. Don't worry if you seem like the only one who didn't sprout wings as a result of that freaky nuclear waste spill. Maybe one day you'll be lucky enough to be as unfortunate as your friends.

8. Take Some Advice From A Great Grandmom- MOVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY! LEAVE! GO TO NORWAY! MOVE TO NORWAY!