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On Saturday is the baptism, and I'm wearing a really nice v-neck dress that I bought the other day at Lord and Taylor. I'm going to be bloated when I wear it, so I'm going on a crash diet the next few days to ensure that the only weight I'll be carrying is the bloat that comes with the guarantee of the ability to bear children, and not some extra ice cream/carbs plushy stuff.

Honestly, I really hate weight issues. When I hit puberty I was the butt of many fat jokes from my Dad, which kind of confounds everybody in my family because I'm not, and have never been, fat. But whatever. I just want to fit into my dress and not be a crazy, hormonal bitch.

There's a man in the back of the boat in that painting of Washington crossing the Deleware who looks just like Tom Cruise. He is wrapped in a tan blanket, and holding a gun. It's all a Scientology conspiracy. And no, I didn't get my free personality test today, although I could've if we weren't running around so much. I'd love to do that just for kicks. How much fun would that be? "Hi, I'm interested in getting a free personality test."